Friday, September 7, 2012

The new thing

Just found this blog I wrote back in July.....

So lately everyone is talking about 50 Shades of Gray. I have no idea what the book is about much other than when I read the description on my kindle the first word to describe it was erotic. Now ladies if you were to happen on a book that your husband was reading and it had erotic as the first word about the book you know you would be so outraged that he was reading something like that. I am in the middle of a divorce and I cant bring myself to read it. I feel that if that book takes you places that your husband cant take you to then maybe you should step back and think about that. Don't be mad if you catch your husband reading Playboy etc., because thats what you are doing, just in book form with 3 books to read. Your mind will do the rest of the work with what it will picture.Maybe after I divorce I will feel okay reading it, but there are plenty other good story lines to read other than this book. Right now I still feel like looking or reading porn/erotic material is a form of adultery. This is what I think and I am not judging anyone else.

Now I am torn about Magic Mike as well. If I were happily married I wouldn't go see it just because once again I wouldn't want my husband going to a movie to see a story about a hot sexy stripper. I am jealous like that only because of what I have had to endure during my marriage. When I was little my parents would always say what if Jesus was sitting next to you? Would you still read to watch that movie? See the thing is, he IS sitting right next to you just because you cant see him doesn't mean he is not there. I have a hard time remembering that. He is everywhere no matter what. I am writing this to remind myself and only myself.

 I will be the first to tell you that ever since my husband cheated on me and asked for a divorce I have fallen away from God. My prayer life only consisted of asking why this is happening to my family. My anger was placed on God and my husbands last affair and not on the person it should have been. I am working on this everyday but it is very hard to do. When you love someone its hard to be really truly deeply mad at that person....but here is the thing, do I not love God more than my husband? Thats the kicker right there! For 16 years I always said God then my husband then the kids then everyone else is how I ranked the people in my life. I am questioning that now. I think I put God at the bottom and only brought him up to the top when I needed something.  Once we moved overseas I think I only brought him up to the top on Sundays. I was in such a deep depression that I blamed God for it when it was my fault the whole time. I let my feelings on things get the better of me and it made me into a person that my husband didn't love therefore he cheated on me once again. I kept letting what my husband kept doing make me feel like I wasn't worth loving and being faithful to. I figured if my own husband cant be faithful and love me then I must not be worth much at all. Then that starts a downward spiral of so many more things.

What am I doing about all this? First I will refrain from reading that book and from seeing the movie. Second I am going to put Jesus back on top and focus on being a better Christian. I have to stop trying to "win" my husband back when really he isn't a prize. God is the prize and living in heaven for eternity should be the focus. I focus on being a good parent for my kids. They need an example in their lives and thats what I am going to give them.

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